What Are Healthy Boundaries and Why Do You Need Them?
In psychology, a boundary refers to the lines individuals draw for themselves, defining their level of comfort and what they are willing to accept from others in a relationship. These boundaries can be physical, emotional, intellectual or verbal and they help protect an individual's sense of self and wellbeing.
A healthy boundary should make you feel:
Safe & Grounded - You feel emotionally secure and less anxious because you've protected your energy, time or values.
Empowered - You feel in control of your decisions and more confident in your ability to advocate for yourself.
Respected (by yourself and others) - You're showing others how you expect to be treated and you're respecting your own needs.
Clear and Less Conflicted - You're no longer guessing or second-guessing what’s okay for you. You feel more clarity in your relationships.
Relieved and Free - You might feel lighter and relieved that you're not overcommitting, over-giving, or over-explaining anymore.
Aligned with Your Values - A healthy boundary reflects what really matters to you, helping you live with more integrity and authenticity.
What is People Pleasing and Why is It So Damaging
I used to be a chronic people pleaser and for many years if you had asked me whether I thought that was a bad thing I would have replied “absolutely not, it’s great!”. It’s only over the past decade that I realise how damaging being a people pleaser really is and how much it impacts your energy, self worth and confidence.
Key Signs You Might Be a People Pleaser:
You often put others people needs ahead of your own.
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
You hate and avoid conflict.
You have difficulty expressing your own needs.
You have low self-esteem.
You often seek external validation.
You have an inability to decline requests or say no.
You often change yourself to fit in.
You need constant reassurance.
You regularly worrying about what other people think.
You have difficulty setting boundaries.
You feel guilty or anxious when saying no.
You apologise for things that aren't your fault.
You apologise for your needs or opinions:
Where does people pleasing come from?
If you connected with a lot of the above then don’t worry, I did too! It doesn’t mean that you are flawed in any way, it means you’re human. Being a people pleaser is a learnt behaviour from your childhood experience. For some people it might be a trauma response for others it might be learned from one or both of their attachment figures. It can stem from a desire for acceptance, a fear of rejection, or a need to be seen as "good” and for many people it’s completely unconscious and they don’t event realise they are doing it.
How do we set healthy boundaries and stop people pleasing?
As someone who used to be a full on people pleaser I totally understand how it doesn’t stop overnight. It’s a gradual process so be really kind to yourself. Small boundaries can make a big difference and no one needs to know that you are setting them.
Tips on How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Prioritise your self care every day. The calmer and more grounded you are the easier it is to set healthy boundaries. Meditation, tapping, breathwork, journalling, yoga… make these an integral part of your daily routine.
Tapping is a great way to stop people pleasing - watch the video above or at the beginning of the post.
Start to identify in what areas of your life do you want more boundaries (family, relationships, friendships, work or other). Getting clear on the areas of your life you want to improve helps you to gain more clarity on what your energy needs.
What type of boundary do you want to set? physical, emotional, intellectual, or verbal? For example if you find your dad can often drains your energy, do you need to set a boundary for how much time you speak or see him each week? Remember that the other person never needs to know you are setting the boundary, it’s just for you.
Stop apologising - I know this is a tricky one, I found this hard too but when you stop apologising for everything you preserve your energy and your inner confidence can start to grow.
Stop over-explaining - again I know this feels really hard but you are wasting so much energy by over explaining. Keep things simple, clear and concise. Example - “That sounds great but I’m not free Friday”.
Practice saying no - I know this will also feel tough and very alien at first so start small and remember you don’t need to over explain. A simple ‘no thanks’ works just fine.
Spend less time with people who drain your energy and more time with people who feed your soul.
Process your limiting beliefs because they may be preventing you from setting healthy boundaries. For example - I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, I’m not important, it’s selfish to prioritise my needs, my voice isn’t important, I’m not loveable, I’ve not done enough…When you start to overcome your limiting beliefs everything else can follow. Watch the tapping video below to start to overcome them:
Protect your energy - we are all giant balls of energy and there are many things throughout the day that can impact it. Watch the video below to help protect your energy and start to cultivate those much needed boundaries.
Would you like more support to stop people pleasing and set healthy boundaries?
Big Love
Kim Murray xx
Mental Health & Wellbeing Coach | Founder of Happy Heads